


Forget the Joy Because Christmas Isn't Easy

by fireofgrace



Series: Christmas 2020 [3]
Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Christmas, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nonbinary Racetrack Higgins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27868457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireofgrace/pseuds/fireofgrace
Summary: Christmas day is a joyous day, but it doesn't always feel that way. For Racetrack Higgins, trying to manage their eating disorder, with so much food around is difficult, luckily they have an amazing boyfriend, and wonderful brother to help them out.Tw for eating disorders, and lot's of talk about food
Relationships: Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins, Racetrack Higgins & Jack Kelly
Series: Christmas 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036626
Kudos: 18





	Forget the Joy Because Christmas Isn't Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I am back for day three of Christmas. Today, angst is back, because I couldn't write fluff for much longer. 
> 
> This is based off of how I find myself feeling at Christmas. Last year I found myself having to eat three meals, which was very overwhelming, so I decided to write about that feeling.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy :)

Race and Albert’s flat was more than a little decorated by the time Christmas eve came. They were sitting together watching The Polar Express, Race cuddled up against Albert’s side. Race was clingy, that was a fact all their friends knew, but today they seemed extra clingy. That and the fact Race had gone quiet told Albert that something was wrong with the elder. 

“You okay darling?” Albert asked, taking his attention away from the film. 

Race smiled slightly, they loved it when Albert called them that, “yeah, just thinking I guess,” they said, taking hold of Albert’s hand. 

“What are you thinking about?” Albert said, worrying even more. It was rarely good when Race started thinking, that often led to bad days, or Race just not being themself for hours on end. That was something Albert hated most, Race always seemed out to destroy themself, and Albert just had to watch it happen. 

“Tomorrow,” Race mumbled, curling into a tight ball. They hated talking about feelings and all that crap, but they hated lying to Albert even more. 

“You gotta give me more than that Tony,” Albert sighed, “I’m not a mindreader you know.” 

Race nodded, “yeah I know,” they paused, trying to work out how they were going to phrase this, “I’m just worried about tomorrow, there’s going to be so much food.” Race’s free hand clenched into a fist, trying to stop all the negative thoughts from clouding their brain. It had been a rough few days, and food was all they could think about, which always made everything. 

Albert began running his fingers through Race’s hair, trying to calm them down. Race had been dealing with an eating disorder for years now, and despite being on the recovery side of it at the moment, Albert understood how difficult it was for them. They had a routine, and even though breakfast was still an unmanageable meal, Race’s brain didn’t hate them as much for eating, and they were making real steps towards recovering. 

“You know I won’t make you eat anything right,” Albert said, not really sure how to ease the elder’s concern. 

“Yeah, but you also know I won’t eat anything if I don’t have to. There’s gonna be two big meals Albie, it’s just a lot.” 

“Would it be easier for you if I put food on your plate, or if you did?” Albert asked, pausing the film. He knew neither of them would be able to concentrate while it was playing. 

“You,” Race mumbled, sitting up a bit, so they could look at Albert. Their head was loud at the moment, thoughts overwhelming them, and Albert was always able to help quieten it.

“Okay, I’ll get you food. Just a little bit of everything you like, but not so much it becomes overwhelming. And we’ll take it slow. Even if everyone else has finished, we can sit there together till you’re finished,” Albert smiled slightly, stroking his thumb along Race’s cheekbone, “I love you Tony, you just gotta tell me what I can do to help, I hate seeing you like this.”

“I love you too Albie, I just,” words escaped them, it was loud, far too loud, and all their words got lost in the noise. 

“I know,” Albert said, pulling Race into a tight embrace. He understood that this was a lot for them, same way he got overwhelmed when they went to busy places. But Race would always hold his hand, and let him squeeze it far too tightly. So now it was Albert’s turn to hold Race’s hand, and he was happy to do whatever they needed. 

Race found themself crying, everything bubbling to the surface as his brain continued to scream. “It will help if you, and other people talk while I’m eating, that helps distract me,” they said in a slightly uneven voice. 

“Okay, I can do that. D’you think we should text your brother, let him know how you’re feeling?” Albert asked, his hand running up and down the elder’s back. 

“Thank you,” Race mumbled after a few moments. They sat themself up, wiping their eyes quickly, “yeah, I’ll go talk to Jack, probably should have done a few days ago,” they admitted honestly. 

“One day you’ll learn not to keep it all in,” Albert smiled slightly, pressing a kiss to Race’s head, “go on then, I’ll make some tea.”

Race nodded, “I won’t be too long, d’you need anything from our bedroom?” they asked, stretching out as they stood up. Race picked up their phone, flipping it around in their hand. 

“Grab a blanket while you’re there.” 

Albert sighed as he listened to Race walk down the hall, what was he going to do with his partner. 

“Hey Jackie,” he heard Race say, followed by a little laugh. Tomorrow was going to be difficult, but at least Race was making some sensible decisions. 

Race returned ten minutes later, a small smile on their face. A blanket was wrapped around their shoulders, which was quickly thrown over Albert’s head. 

“You’re in a better mood,” Albert smiled as he wrapped his arm around the elder. 

Race nodded, “it was good to talk to Jack, now let’s finish this film, we haven’t got to my favourite bit yet,” they said, curling up as Albert passed over a hot mug of tea.

Albert laughed as he pressed play. He was still worried, and he knew tomorrow would be difficult, but Race looked like a weight had been lifted off of their shoulders. And for now anyway, it was calm. As they sipped at their tea, cuddled close together, everything felt so perfect. 

“I love you Albie,” Race mumbled a few moments later, reaching up and kissing Albert on his jaw. 

“I love you so much Tony, so, so much.”

*

The next morning, Race was visibly anxious. Albert had woken up to a cup of coffee on his bedside table, and Race scrolling through his phone. 

"How long have you been awake?" Albert asked, stifling a yawn. He wasn't fully awake yet, and his eyelids felt heavy. 

"About an hour," Race shrugged, scooting over and wrapping their arm around Albert. 

"Why didn't you wake me?" Albert frowned, curling into the elder.

"You needed to sleep, and anyway, I've tidied the lounge and kitchen, if that didn't wake, there's no way I would be able to," Race said, thumb running up and down Albert's arm. 

Albert was a deep sleeper, and Race was right, it was often pretty much impossible to wake him up. 

"At least you've been productive, what time is it?" 

"Ten past ten, we should probably leave in about half an hour, I said to Jack we'd get there a little earlier," Race said, putting their phone down in their lap. 

"Okay darling, I'll get moving in a minute," he let out a content sigh, "let's cuddle for a bit though." 

They were both ready to leave exactly half enough later, Race dressed in a pair of black jeans with a lilac knitted jumper, and Albert was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a grey sweater. The theme was smart casual, upon Jack’s insistence, so they had fulfilled their brief.

It didn't take long to walk to Jack's, but it was very cold outside. Race felt like an icicle by the time they arrived, and was grateful to get into the warm. Albert wrapped his arm around them, giving Race some well needed comfort. 

“Hi guys, how are you both doing?” Jack said, ruffling Race’s hair as he welcomed them both into the house. 

“Hey Jackie,” Race said in a small voice, “I’m okay, it’s good to see you.” They found themself staring at the floor, feeling awkward for the first time in front of Jack. That was mostly down the conversation yesterday, they could tell Jack was worrying about them.

“It’s good to see ya too, now, are you gonna come give me a hug, or just cling to Al,” Jack said, pretending to look offended. 

Race smiled at their brother, letting go of Albert before wrapping their arms around their brother. Jack held them tightly in a comforting embrace, running his hand up and down Race’s spine. 

“I’m sorry Tony. I should’ve spoken to you,” Jack whispered, “how’re you feeling, really.”

Race felt a little lighter as they pulled away, “I’m anxious, but I’m okay, me an’ Albie have a plan, so.” They returned back to Albert, taking hold of his hand as Jack led them into the kitchen. 

“D’you need help with anything Jack? Looks like you’ve done a good job,” Albert said, patting the elder on the back as his form of greeting. 

“We’re pretty much good to go,” Jack nodded, “you guys could help me set the table though, does that sound okay with you Tonio?”

Race nodded, “‘s long as I don’ have to put the food out,” they said, looking up at Jack with big blue eyes. 

Jack couldn’t help but smile, even as a twenty year old, Race still looked every bit the child he had helped raise when they looked at him like that. It was weird to think how far they had both come since then, now fully functioning adults most days. 

“Nah, I’ve got all that, you can get the plates,” Jack said, patting the kid on the back as they walked past. 

*

Race and Albert were bickering about the placement of cutlery when the doorbell went. According to Race it didn’t really matter which implement went where, but Albert disagreed, saying the fork should always be on the left, and knife on the right. He tried to explain that it was because almost everyone ate that way round, but Race wasn’t having any of it. 

“Can one of ya get that,” Jack shouted down the stairs. 

Race nodded, despite knowing Jack couldn’t actually see him, and found Charlie standing on the other side of the door. 

“You took your time, it’s freezing out here,” Charlie said, giving Race a wide grin. He had a grey woollen grey hat on his head, which wasn’t really helping to keep him warm.

“The cheek, I could’ve just not let ya in,” Race responded, pulling his older brother into a tight embrace, “it’s good to see you Charlie, how’ve you been?” they asked, already feeling better with him around. 

Charlie smiled at the younger, pretending to slap them on the head, “yeah, I’ve been good, very busy though. And we could have seen each other sooner if you ever answered your phone,” he shook his head, pushing Race through to the living room. 

“Ah, you know how bad I am at answering texts, if it makes you feel any better I haven’t spoken to anyone else either, just Albert, but he can’t get rid of me” they shrugged, putting their arms up in defence as Charlie continued to push them towards the other room. 

“Well you are clingy.”

Race narrowed their eyes at Charlie, but smiled nonetheless. This was going to be a fun day, it felt like ages since he’d last seen his family. 

Everyone else arrived over a twenty minute period, and soon Race found themself at the table, Albert placing a plate of food in front of them. It was like a switch had been flipped in their brain, and suddenly all the anxiety was back. Race felt sick, and their hands felt all shaky, they couldn’t do this. 

Both Jack and Albert noticed the change, since they had decided to sit either side of Race. Well, it was Race’s request, as they felt a little uncomfortable with everyone seeing them struggle. 

“Antonio,” Jack said softly, placing a hand on the younger’s shoulder, “kid, what’s going on in your head right now.” He was concerned. He knew Race had been doing so well, and didn’t want to see them fall back down again now. 

“‘S just a lot right now,” Race mumbled, taking a deep breath as they tried to clear their thoughts. That’s what they had been taught in therapy, clear your brain and get something to distract you. 

“What can we do?” Albert asked, looking around to see what everyone else was doing. They were mostly in their own conversations, which would probably ease Race’s fear a little. 

“Talk to me about something else,” Race said, picking up his fork. He needed to hold it for a minute, get used to the feeling of it in his hand before he was ready to put food in his mouth, “if I stop thinking, I’ll be able to eat.”

“Hey Elmer,” Albert said, looking over at the younger, “what was it you and Tony were doing when you met up a few weeks ago, they refused to tell me anything.” 

Elmer started laughing, almost maniacally, “now this is a story.” 

Race tried to interject, but they were quickly hushed as Elmer began his story. They could feel their cheeks burning as everyone was listening so very intently, but Race was eating. Just a mouthful, then they needed to fill their body with water before they would be ready for the next bite, but it was something. 

Albert couldn’t help but smile as he squeezed their hand under the table, “I’m proud of you,” he whispered. 

Christmas was never going to be easy for Race, but with their friends around them, it felt that little bit easier. Even if they were heavily embarrassed by Elmer giving a very detailed explanation of one of their dumbest moments, Race’s friends made it easier.


End file.
